What Is It You Do?

A pod-to-blog project continues with this article based on Episode 29.

Ever go to a party and someone corners you and asks you “What is it you do?” Do you have an easy answer at the ready?  Well, being two women with non-traditional career paths, we kind of hate that question.  It makes it all about performance.  Who we are is so much more than what we do!

Today we turn our attention to careers and work and specifically, career trajectories.  Many experts recommend specific pathways to success, a strategy toward the ladder to accomplish your professional goals.  When locker room conversation turns to 401K plans, the expectations are of a younger dynamic.

As a pre-Title 9 baby, I started high school in the fall of 1974. Everything began to flip from what our mothers and grandmothers expected to do to the expectations for us.  How many of us at 18 know what we want to do and are Imparted with a vision and the tools and resources to go after what we want, especially when the world for women was changing so dramatically?

Nancy wanted to be a teacher since she was a little girl, lining up stuffed animals and giving them spelling tests. It always stayed with her - that desire to connect with students.  But when she and I were getting ready to go to college in 1978, education was not encouraged.  It was all about entering the business world, about forging new trails in formerly male-dominated fields.  What was missing was a conversation about what we were equipped to do.  Since she was active in journalism in high school she headed in that direction.  Ironically, I wanted to be Jane Pauley.  She joined the Today Show at age 25.  I wanted to follow her lead, and go to Indiana University and be on TV.  But when I met John, an engineer, I became a trailing spouse, a stay-at-home mom, and it wasn’t until later in my life that I had my first big girl job at age 50, earning a graduate degree later in life.  Now doing what I love to do, but as a volunteer.  Certainly not Jane Pauley, but I love what I’m doing.  It has been an unexpected pathway to get there.

What is it you do?  How can we respond to that question in a positive way that reflects the journey? What if your life’s work hasn’t turned out the way you expected?  Maybe better or maybe harder.  Maybe just different.  So with experience and a great day of compassion, we turn our attention to talking about our careers.

A good friend worked every day from the time she was 13, and retirement from a C-suite position with a major corporation has been exhilarating.  Another friend is leading a non-profit, but her college degree would have pointed her in a completely different direction.  We just don’t know where we are headed!

So in light of our philosophy of work,  how do we answer the question, “What is it you do?” What is work?  What is the pie chart balance of work and life?  There is an element of work where we need to work for income, for financial incentives.  We want to be rewarded for what we are contributing, and what we bring to the marketplace.  The other aspect for Nancy is that work is a place of service.  She is motivated by the connection to the mission.  It’s important to know why you are working! 

A professor at Harvard, Rosabeth Moss Kanter, published a study that tells us that more than money, we are motivated by meaning, mastery, and membership.  Nancy is highly motivated in her work life by meaning.  I identify with membership, being a part of something.  I currently work with a group of church leaders, devoted to changing some of the trends of church life making sure that everyone feels welcome.  I just love being a part of that.   Work in its best sense must line up with what we value.

What about work-life balance?  It seems to be more of a cycle than an achievable goal.  If we look at the pie chart of our lives:  family, home, volunteer work, community, all of the things we talk about at Second Cup.  In our careers to look at work-life balance, writing for Harvard Business Review, this author recommended some things:  

1. Pause and denormalize.  Take a step back and ask what is causing me stress.  How are these circumstances affecting me and my life?  Mentally pause to acknowledge these factors and ask what's going on if my work and life are out of balance.

2. Pay attention to the emotions that are brought up.  Increasing cognitive and emotional awareness helps us put things in perspective. This leads us to important questions:  If I am sacrificing, how long?  If I am putting work above family, do I have a partner to balance that out?  If not, do you have the resources needed to make a change that works better for you?

3. Implement change in two ways:  public (get your resume ready) or private change (work patterns and set expectations in the workplace such as when are you replying to emails?)  

Work looks differently for all of us especially as we enter and inhabit our sixties.  We can make private changes that help us answer “What is it you do?”

1. Begin with gratitude.  

2. Invest in the people around you. 

3. Acknowledge disappointment.  

4. Be kind to your younger self and the decisions made.

So what is it you do?  Are you retired?  Are you and your husband still working? “I’m very grateful to have had these experiences in my life, and here’s what I do for work now, but I’m also involved with these things in my life (family, community podcast!).”  Be prepared to give that answer!  

POINTS OF GRATITUDE: the unexpected twists and turns in my non-traditional career path

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

What do you value most:  membership, mastery, or meaning?

What was your childhood dream for your career?

What is it you do?

Loving Your Community Through Civic Engagement

This episode was recorded on a national election day. Even during years when the referendums and candidates are limited to local landscapes, Lynn and I share a longstanding commitment to exercising our right to vote.

Lynn exclaims, “I love getting my I VOTED  sticker!”

We both remember our 18th birthday and the priority given to registering to vote. Lynn recounts doing the same with their youngest. “Registering to vote for the first time was an event. On his birthday, we went to the County Clerk’s office to make it official.”

As young moms, we seized the opportunity to get the kids involved, pulling strollers behind the curtain of older voting machines so they could witness what it means to “cast your vote.” Our parents and grandparents set examples for us, too. Lynn remembers grandparents getting involved in the local township assessor's office.

Make it personal 

Lynn asked about my recent experience as a poll worker in downtown Indianapolis. I was motivated to get involved after increased chatter around the legitimacy of our voting processes.

“Bryan Stevenson, Founder of Equal Justice Initiative, often suggests that when issues become hard to understand or especially controversial, getting close to the issue in a meaningful way will help bring clarity. So, I signed up to be a poll worker. And I’m happy to report that everything about the process was well done, starting with training.”

“On election day, we all reported at 5:30 am, Procedures were followed, with equal representation from the two parties. Until we were officially ordered to close down the operation, we served the people, doing everything in our power to ensure eligible voters were given the right to vote.”

Lynn asked if my expectations matched the experience. 

“Exceeded. I was struck by the group’s collegiality and professionalism. We were a diverse group united by our commitment to run a fair, legitimate voting process.” 

“Think about it  - you have volunteers representing diverse backgrounds, showing up to manage fairly sophisticated equipment in a specified time frame. Then you introduce the public, also diverse with opinions about exercising their right to vote. On one hand, you imagine, ‘What could possibly go wrong? but yet, people can surprise you and rise to the occasion.”

“I give the volunteer experience 5-stars.” 

Go local

While national elections garner the buzz, we both agree that local races, especially those involving smaller governing boards (i.e. water conservation district), offer meaningful opportunities for impact. Why not be the source in your network on local issues and candidates? Especially in our school districts, do we know who we are empowering with our vote?

Another way Lynn and I express local love in our communities is through our churches. I asked her to share about a current project in her church that is applying a new paradigm to service. 

“Our church is leading the renovation of a large, empty downtown building, seeking to create a facility that brings vitality and purpose to the community throughout the week, not just on a Sunday.” 

Conversations with neighbors and business and nonprofit partners are helping to cast the vision for a shared space where neighbors of all ages and backgrounds have an opportunity to flourish. 

Lynn continued. “Watching this experience, I am again reminded that one of the key aspects of service is doing the advanced homework and not assuming you have understanding around an issue. You need to recognize the people who are experts in the area. Be curious and open to learning. Ask questions. Be clear about what is needed. Allow space to contemplate whether or not I am the person to help.” 

Lynn also shared another example of a faith community that went beyond traditional outreach efforts. They cancelled all onsite programming for a weekend and sent the people out into the community to serve through area nonprofits.  “Other groups have done this, too. I think we called it something like, The Church Has Left the Building.” 

“I really admire leaders that take risks to help their neighbors.” 

A continuing theme in this conversation about civic engagement is the need for curiosity, recognizing that there is always something to learn. Too often, service can appear to be a one way exchange, which does little for building relationships. 

Resources to help 

One of the stops in my husband’s career was employment as a district representative for a Florida Congressman. These offices offer a wealth of resources for matters related to the federal government, including veteran’s affairs and immigration. Staff members can also provide background on pending legislation. 

While there are federal election laws, states often have different approaches to administering voter registration and local elections. Do you know how your state and city are organized? If you’re a little “curious,” the National Conference of State Legislatures offers this general overview.

Closing question: Parade or Protest?

As active voters and special event planners, it’s no surprise that we have participated in both exercises! However, though Lynn’s memory of her father helping her children create a custom root beer “float” for a local parade wins the day!

A POINT OF GRATITUDE

We will never take for granted the freedom to participate in local, state and federal elections.

Wear it proudly!

I don’t remember the first year I started receiving and wearing my I VOTED sticker. I do remember the first year I participated in early voting, though. I saved it to wear on the actual election day!

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

What would motivate you to join a parade? A protest?

Are you more inclined to be engaged on the local, state or national level? What motivates you?

Have you ever contacted your congressional office to share your opinion on federal legislation? Do you think you have that right to be heard?

We Love to Learn

A pod-to-blog project continues with this article based on Episode 21.

In the season of love during Second Cup, we discussed our mutual love of learning.  One of our values is to be lifelong learners.  We don’t want to ever stop learning.  We want to stay curious!  It’s interesting how learning works when you are north of 60.  Why in high school did we dread things like chemistry and science fairs, and now we watch nature, and think, as Nancy shared, “I’d like to learn more?”  I just love the idea of a senior science fair as Nancy suggested!  Let’s figure out more creative ways like this to motivate us all during this interesting season of life.  

There are terrific programs for learning for people of all ages, but I got to thinking about this topic in light of my recent journey to my Master’s degree.  My goal was to finish by the time I turned 60, and I made it! (just barely!) I actually finished during the global pandemic which makes it especially memorable.  I was working at Notre Dame at the time, and it’s a great place to learn.  I live nearby so I enrolled in their Executive Master’s of Non-Profit Management.  You can take as long or as short as you need to finish it.  Because I had a signature birthday goal, I did it in about two years and it was a great experience for me.  It was really hard, and I felt good about that.  Some subjects came naturally due to work experience but other courses like accounting, statistics, and economics did not. There were many new concepts and I had to really study, and isolate myself from the rest of my life to get the work done.  I was with a cohort and that was essential, working and studying together.  We aged from mid-20s to mid-60s and all were working in the field of non-profit or education so we had things in common, but were a very diverse group of people.

Nancy shared that one of the bonuses of structured education is being exposed to so much diversity.  In her higher education studies as an adult, that was one of the significant advantages.  It was great to be exposed in a concentrated amount of time with a shared learning goal with that variety of folks. 

Nancy encouraged me to participate in the graduation ceremonies, and I’m so glad I took the time to celebrate that accomplishment, even if it was gray hair poking out from under my mortarboard.  And I shared that day with my husband, and with Nancy and her husband, and it was a wonderful celebration.  Do it! Sign up!  Walk!  It will matter and it will matter to those who love you.

Besides formal education, there are so many learning resources available.  A few resources:

1. Craftsy - skill-based craft techniques with free classes.

2. Master Class - learn from experts in bite-sized lessons.

3. Colleges in your area.  Look for adult audit classes or community outreach, community-based learning, and guest lectures.  

4. Creative Mornings - an international collection of events for people who want to be with other creative people.  Look for them in your town, or follow online offerings for virtual field trips.  

Get curious!  Develop a sense of wonder! Just try stuff!  Just make stuff!  When we started, we knew nothing about podcasting, and hopefully, our listeners didn’t know that!    I’m just so proud of Nancy for figuring out the technical aspects and how we both dove into this medium and made stuff!  

POINTS OF GRATITUDE:

Public libraries and all they have to offer

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

What’s the last new skill or subject matter you jumped in to learn?

What’s easier about learning when you’re north of 60?  What’s harder?

What will you learn about in 2024 and what will be your first step?

Loving Yourself Enough to (Self)Care

Part of our vision for the Second Cup is to create a safe yet dynamic space for women north of sixty that supports a life marked by intentionality and purpose. For this unique season of life, we want to pursue ideas that encourage us to flourish and be our best selves. The self care conversation on the podcast (episode twenty) is the inspiration for this blog post.

Self care is an expansive topic and we will only scratch the surface. To start with, becoming our best selves will look different from person to person, and we affirm and love that variety.  Lynn also noted that depending on the actual seasons of life, self care will look different from day to day or year to year. And I might add, maybe even from morning to afternoon! Ha!

As we began to dig in, Lynn wondered if self care as a description for certain behaviors or actions started with our generation. “I don’t remember my grandmother or mother talking about it, but I think I can look back and see how they did it.”

We both agreed that one of the reasons the elder women in our families didn’t talk about it was the emphasis on humility. Lynn added, “There was a train of thought around not having time for oneself because of the real need of taking care of other people.” 

Making Deposits 

Putting others’ needs before our personal needs comes with a cost, unless we actively manage the tension. We have needs that need to be met, and if they are not, there will be consequences. Ultimately, we can only give what we have. 

To illustrate the point, Lynn used an example from the familiar safety instructions given on an airplane in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, “if you’re caring for others, please put your oxygen mask on first.”

We can’t take care of other people in a manner that is life giving and affirming if we’re not taking care of ourselves first. And while we agree that humility is a sought after virtue, false humility can be a trap. A self check on whether we are recognizing our limits and taking responsibility for our care is important. 

Myth Busters

Recognizing we will  only scratch the surface on this topic, Lynn agreed to play along with a game of myth busting for related truisms on the topic. 

#1: Self care is selfish.

That’s a TOTAL  myth because self-care is necessary to take care of others. Repeating: we can only give what we possess.

#2: Self care is time consuming. 

Partial truth here because it depends on what you’re doing for self care. If you need a week at the spa, sure! But that time investment may be just what is needed. Does the descriptor “time consuming” have negative conotations for you? If so, we suggest digging a little deeper on your current approach to time management, making sure you are defaulting to a scarcity mindset. The next time you engage in  a routine activity that you perceive to be time consuming, set the timer on your cell phone and determine exactly how much time is needed.

This basic exercise lifted the dread from one of my husband’s and mine least favorite chores: unloading the dishwasher. We traded this duty back and forth like a hot potato until we realized we only had to invest five minutes to get it done. 

Sidebar: Related to time management, Lynn recommends the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin.

#3: Self care is expensive. 

Here’s another half truth. An hour long massage might be, but a walk or call to a friend, not so much. “Expensive” requires definition for your unique budget. If you are using these descriptors, ask yourself if the terms are helping to inform your next steps or acting as barriers to potentially life giving measures.

#4: Self care is about mental health.  

We often talk about an integrated lifestyle that addresses a variety of needs – mental and emotional needs, physical needs, social needs, spiritual needs, practical needs and intellectual needs. Unfortunately, mental health is often ignored due to the effort required to engage a practitioner and the related expense. There have been seasons in our lives that have required counselors and support from physicians, and if that might be you today, we wish you a dose of courage so that you can share your need with at least one other person.  A key strategy here is to avoid isolation.

#5: Self care is meant to be fun to be successful. 

Not always. Lynn reminds me, “I’m not sure getting in the pool at 6 am for lap swim is your idea of fun.” And she’s right. Exercising has its rewards but I’m not sure fun is top of the list. But if a sense of fun is a motivator for you, then find your fun! 

My Personal Journey

My journey with self care hasn’t been linear. In fact, I started this journey in the deficit. I had to unlearn many truths about my worth and identity. Some of the practices I used to move to a better place were counseling, journaling, reflection, and as a person of Christian faith, prayer – talking with God, a lot.

And in the ongoing pursuit of consistent self care, I am using principles or guardrails to help keep me moving forward. Lynn is a master of framing my thoughts with a practical example, and suggested that these guardrails are akin to using bumpers in the bowling alley so that young kiddos could score. Yes! Let’s use systems, techniques, processes - whatever the thing - to help us score!

 5 Guardrails

#1: Repeat to myself, “Perfection is not the goal.” Seek to be whole, not perfect. 

#2: Extend grace. “If compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

#3: Be grateful. For something.

#4: Invest in the physical. Approach your care as an investment versus a task.

#5: Seek community.

Wrapping Up

I want to mention that I’m a subscriber to “Magnolia Journal,” and in their summer 2022 issue, they encouraged readers to arrange activities so that they flourish, which might seem like a step too far for those struggling with self care. But I think it’s a worthy point to raise in this conversation. Do you believe you are meant to flourish? What does flourish look like to you?  Why not jot down that question alongside our myth busters and guardrails and see if you have changes and choices to make.

A POINT OF GRATITUDE

I’m grateful for the counselors in my journey., some for a brief time, others for an extended period. I seek trained professionals in other areas of my life, so why wouldn’t I do the same for my mental and emotional wellbeing.

Reminders everywhere!

When I was preparing notes for the original conversation on this topic, I discovered this tag in a new(er) t shirt that was gifted to me by our daughter. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it before, but smiled extra wide at the moment, recognizing the timing was perfect for what I was contemplating. Another remembrance (admonition?) that self care is not optional and it is my responsibility to pursue personal wellness.

Take care of yourself, okay?

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being optimum, what is your self care score?

Based on your score, what encourages your wellness? What are barriers?

Do you have a self care myth that needs busting?

For the Love of Money

A pod-to-blog project continues with this article based on Episode 19.

If someone were to give you millions and millions of dollars with one assignment:  give it away.  What would you do? Where would the money go? Who would advise you? This was a fun exercise for Nancy and me as philanthropically minded people whose hopes and dreams for the world go beyond our personal means. 

Money is one of those things that can reflect our values.  Let’s take a look at the checkbook register or online banking.  That, along with my calendar and my last several text messages reflect my values.  According to an article in  Inc,  in order to set up a spending plan, we need to take time to assess values, dig into past experiences to see what influences the way we handle money, and then check our calendar too. Often money seems tied to emotion but it goes beyond that.

A couple of years ago I was in a graduate program at the University of Notre Dame for a Masters in Nonprofit Management.  I took this accounting class, basic accounting for non-profit management.  One of the first things the professor said to us was, “You know you’re in a field that is filled with compassion.  Usually, you are working toward helping people.  It can be packed with emotion.  But you have to remember numbers are not emotions.  Numbers are tools.”  And I immediately thought how I wish someone would have told me that when I was twenty-three years old!  The numbers are neutral! 

In my financial partnership with my husband, I tend to be more of a spender than he is.  I think it’s going to be more fun if we have more stuff and do more things.  He tends to be more of a saver because he thinks we’ll be more secure if we have money in the bank. Because we approached from such different perspectives, we jokingly started something that we referred to as Financial Night.  I still remember that for most of our marriage, it was on Monday nights, and I just DREADED it!  Even Nancy remembers and testifies to my dread.  On financial night, we just went over everything:  what was due, what was left, what was upcoming.  Because a spender married a saver, this turned out to be an essential practice. We both learned from each other, and we both knew where we stood financially. While financial night at my house has relaxed over the years, we continue to have conversations.  I’m so aware of married friends, especially female friends, who are unaware of the money situation in their home and marriage.  We have had experiences walking with someone who was rather clueless as to how to start.  Together, Nancy and I encourage you to reevaluate.  

Nancy’s household has done it differently.  No weekly meetings!  Her conversations are oriented around paydays every couple of weeks.  In any long marriage, there are seasons.  Nancy and her husband trade off responsibilities.  There can be different ways to distribute the financial actions of the home, but what must be shared is a vision.  No one should have to carry the burden of planning and figuring things out, which can be a lot depending on circumstances.  These conversations give couples a chance to look at values.

A recent season for Nancy brought her to the remembrance of a key point of gratitude:  a simple statement reframes the financial conversation: “Here’s what we’ve been able to do!”  What you’ve been able to cover, to support, to do, is helpful information, especially when we tend to look at it in the negative context of what hasn’t been possible.  Look at everything that has been accomplished! 

Values impact planning and here are a couple of examples.  We set aside a higher proportion of income for travel because we attach high value to visiting family abroad.  We can track how close we are to our goal of visiting them and gives us joy in anticipating a trip.  We have created a mechanism for alignment with our values, values we decided on ahead of time, to make sure they happen. We are part of a scrappy little church here where we live.  As a church, we’ve decided to purchase an abandoned building downtown to create a space for the entire community.  Based on our values as a couple, we made a decision to support this effort financially.  That was not without thinking, praying, discussing, and even a little pain.  But it aligned with our values enough that we were willing to extend that pain point.  

When it comes to money, information is power.  Knowledge is power.  You can align what you are doing with your values, even if it’s basic family care all the way up to charitable donations.  There is a whole spectrum of ways to assign value to money and money to values.  

When the kids were younger, I would often head to Target and with my littles in the cart, scan the end caps for bargains.  My thinking was often, “Maybe I can find something to do with this.”  I have a lot of Target end-cap regrets.  Those were not values-based purchases for me.  (And hey if you value bargain hunting, I applaud you, but that's not my thing.  I was avoiding the pain of doing without, of loneliness, of filling time as a sometimes bored young mom.)  An article in the New York Times about values-based spending jumped out to me:

We do have another option to make values spending decisions that better align with our true selves.  Spending doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and with a little knowledge and planning, we can end up with statements that reflect a personal manifesto that we are proud to call our own.

Why not take a few moments to assess values, check your “checkbook,” your calendar, and your text messages, and see how your time, your money, and your resources are lining up with your values? 

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

I’m thankful for all those years of Financial Night.  Through tears, laughter, and many many years, we have learned to make decisions together.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

How is your spending in alignment with your values? How is it misaligned?

What is a practical step you can take to be more informed about your financial picture?

Are you a spender or a saver or somewhere in between?

Loving Others Through Grief

In the second season of our podcast, we applied a lens of love to various topics that we believe contribute to living our lives, now north of sixty, with authenticity and purpose. After reading somewhere that “grief is proof of life,” we realized it was time to ask the question, “What is a loving response to someone experiencing loss and sorrow?” Lynn correctly observed, “As we age, we are accumulating losses at a greater rate.” Let’s prepare ourselves to respond with love.

The original Second Cup conversation began with three overarching statements about grief, using the familiar two truths-and-a lie game framework, I asked Lynn to respond to these statements.

Truth #1: Grief is an expansive topic that - if we’re smart - we’ll give time and effort to understand it more.  “Couldn’t agree more.” Resource recommendations are included below. 

Truth #2: Grief is different for everyone, and doesn’t present itself in a linear fashion, but instead can be like a roller coaster. “Agree. I’ve also heard it described as a wave with different sizes and frequency.”

Lie: It’s awkward and sad, so shouldn’t we focus on the positives? “Might be easier for the moment, but definitely not helpful.” 

Recommended Resources

We both are big fans of Kate Bowler, New York Times best selling author of “No Cure for Being Human” and “Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved.” She is a profound truth-teller on how to engage with pain and suffering, as someone who faced an incurable case of cancer. 

The Grieving Brain, the Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary-Frances O’Connor, Ph.D.  She writes, “Grief is a heart-wrenching painful problem for the brain to solve, and grieving necessitates learning how to live in a world with the absence of someone you love deeply, who is ingrained in your understanding of the world.” Unbeknownst to each other, we picked up this book at our respective libraries and found her work captivating. “Until this book, I had read about grief and faith, and grief as a personal journey, but this writer explores grief from a scientific perspective,” shared Lynn.

This Too Shall Last, Finding Grace When Suffering Lingers by K.J. Ramsey. This author applies a Christian worldview to the material, offering what I believe to be wise words on suffering, whether for ourselves or walking with others.  She writes, “Suffering is not a mark on the timeline of your life. It is not a season with a clear beginning and end, or a problem you can overcome. It is a place you will visit again and again, a place whose clouds threaten and frighten but whose landscape can bring you nearer to your true home.”

Just Show Up, The Dance of Walking Through Suffering Together by Kara Tippetts and Jill Lynn Buteyn. These best friends bring a message of hope while they share Kara’s journey with terminal cancer. Kara writes, “If there is one constant in our world, it’s pain and suffering. Just look around. … What this means, though, is that each and every day of our lives is filled with opportunities to just show up in someone’s life. We can set aside a little of ourselves, and step into someone else’s story.”

Personal Lessons Learned

I’ve experienced everything from the loss of a parent, to the loss of a beloved family dog, to the loss of a job. I’ve also traveled these valleys with others. Through many missteps, I’ve learned to apply four basic rules for loving others in their grief. 

1. Silence is golden. The gift of physical presence is sufficient.

2. Grief is not a problem for me to solve. Lynn reminded me of this bit of advice, “Don’t do something. Stand there.” 

3. Empathy is needed, not my stories. My experiences can wait.

4. Hold the questions. “What happened? When did you know? How can this happen? I don’t need the answers to love another.

As we shared in Truth #1, grief is an expansive topic. We are offering a thin slice of resources and lessons learned from our personal experiences and realize that each life is unique. Our hope is that this short message inspires a curiosity on the topic and inspires your next steps. The world, your family and friends, and your community need you and your love.

A POINT OF GRATITUDE

I’m grateful for God’s grace. For every lesson learned, there are countless missteps, yet the sun keeps rising!

Try Something New

Grab your favorite pen and a pad of paper. Go to a park or place previously unknown to you. Set an alarm on your phone for four minutes and then sit in silence. When the time is over, write down your observations according to your senses. What did you hear? See? Smell? Touch?

This simple exercise will help you nurture your observation skills and increase your comfort with silence.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

In a personal time of grief, what type of support encourages you? What doesn’t?

Are you aware of your love language? How do you prefer to express love and care for another?

Is the concept of grief training or pursuing personal education on the topic new to you?

Offering a Loving Welcome

The fifth installment in the Season of Love on Second Cup with Lynn and Nancy.

Looking at life through the lens of love, in Episode 17 of Second Cup with Lynn and Nancy, we talked about offering a loving welcome, in other words, hospitality.  It brings to mind a warm welcome and a gracious spirit when someone is glad to see you.  It’s not always a party, as Nancy wisely pointed out because some of the most hospitable people we know are not necessarily party planners.  Unsurprisingly, it has nothing to do with the china or the glassware or the floral displays.

What is key to offering a loving welcome so that others feel good when they walk in? Anticipation - you want them to know you’ve planned for them as you greet them warmly.  There are no awkward pauses. They can sense you were waiting for them to arrive. They haven’t interrupted but are welcomed in a clear, thoughtful way.

The key to offering a loving welcome?  It’s always about the other person.  As you plan to have someone over or get ready to host an event, consider what their experience will be.  This doesn’t have to be extravagant - a box of crackers, a block of cheese, and a cluster of grapes, and you are ready to welcome someone.  It’s not about the fanciness; it’s about the atmosphere you set. Nancy recently had a neighbor over to share a bottle of wine after months of trying to make it happen.  Nancy pulled out some jarred sauce, some frozen meatballs, and created a light Italian supper, and kept the emphasis on the guest.  She was in the mindset to be able to offer a warm welcome at a moment’s notice.

For me, as an introvert*, the best part of any gathering is the preparation.  I love getting everything ready to welcome guests, right down to the paper straws that Nancy most likely sent me.  But welcoming people is about so much more than setting the table. We had a party at our home the first Christmas we lived here.  We wanted to show welcome and appreciation for our neighbors.  And as the new people on the block, we were a little nervous.  We had the party, and for five years after until the pandemic cut our tradition short, we continued.  Here’s what I learned:  People want to contribute.  I told people bringing a dish to share was optional, but every single person brought something.  They want to feel part of it.  If someone asks what they can bring, let them!  Offer a suggestion!  Another suggestion, plan for safety.  We have some wide steps on our front porch and some older folks at the party, so we installed a handrail.  This provides some physical safety, just as important as the emotional safety you’re providing with your warm welcome.

It's okay to be good at this.  I used to get teased a lot, and people would call me “Martha Stewart” and not in a flattering way! Maybe I was overachieving a bit, but I think a little extra effort makes guests feel special when they get here. Nancy recalled a time when some of her co-workers were in our city for a big international event.  We hosted them at our home on New Year’s Day.  We opened the door big and wide and provided lots of food. They were far from home and found a coffee maker and a comfortable chair.  They were tired and needed to be nurtured and left to themselves.  Sometimes my introverted nature comes in handy!  Twenty years later some folks are still talking about it and that gives me such joy.  Those people stayed and stayed and stayed.  I sliced every piece of cheese and old Christmas salami at the end of the night. It wasn’t fancy, but it was a warm welcome when they needed one!

I love following people who are good at this hospitality thing.  We both love Brunch with Babs. She’s out there showing us how to live with charm. energy and graciousness.  She embodies all of this.  We also love Shauna Niequist too!  She encourages us to make it about the people, and her recipes are excellent.  Her book Present Over Perfect is great if you are looking for a reset in how you welcome people.  Highly recommend!  A newer book by Shannan Martin is called Start with Hello and it addresses the reciprocal nature of neighboring, like my neighbors who open their patio every Friday night for whoever can gather. 

If you haven’t done it for a while, make the effort and invite someone over.  Keep it simple!  Practice the simple art of offering a warm welcome in a loving way. 

*I’m an outgoing introvert so you might not guess I need time to recharge!

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

I’m grateful for my neighbors.  They share time and space and garden produce.  I know their names and their dogs’ names and love the friendly waves several times a day.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

What makes you feel most welcome at someone else’s home?

What is your go-to party snack or meal?

What’s the most important task to get ready for an impromptu gathering at your home?

Being a Loving Influence

The second season of the Second Cup was planned using a lens of love. With headlines tending to promote angst and division, even stoking fires of fear, Lynn and I believe expressing love in the ordinary as well as in the big moments is one way to lift our spirits and offer much needed encouragement.

Early on in this conversation, we make it clear that the sort of loving influence we’re promoting is not the same as today’s social media influencers, though we do have a few favorites. Consider this a shout-out to Babs, “the internet mom/grandma you didn’t know you needed.” (Find her on Instagram @brunchwithbabs)

“We are not in the same boat. We are in the same storm of life. Some of us have yachts, some of us are using canoes, some of us are nearly drowning.”

We often don’t know who is inhabiting what boat or we make costly assumptions. Expressions of loving kindness can be a life changing experience for us as well as for the others we meet in the routine storms of daily life.

Influencers Aren’t New

A reminder: social media didn’t invent influencers, though with numerous platforms now available 24/7, their number and visibility are growing exponentially. I asked Lynn what we called them in our youth and we made a list that included spokesperson, experts or witnesses. Testimonials have been used to sell products and services since we can remember.

So, what do we really know about the dynamic of influence? For starters, it’s not neutral. This seems obvious, but what other factors are at play? To better equip myself, I spent time exploring a journal article published by Ohio State’s Fisher College of Business titled, “The Art of Influencing Others.” I shared with Lynn that their research identified 11 influence methods used by people in authority. You can find the article HERE. 

Unfortunately, the most common methods were authority based and negative, such as pressure (persistent reminders, demands, threats). Sadly, we humans tend to respond to the more negative approaches. Conversely, the more positive or inspirational appeals were least common. Ugh!

Lynn and I both agreed that we want to flip the switch on the power dynamic of influence in our lives. With more awareness and a commitment to be intentional in our responses, we can be the loving influence that our families and communities need right now.

He gets it.

I have permission to tell a story about my husband, who walks 2-3 mornings a week to his favorite coffee spot that also serves up a bowl of grits (not my favorite).  One day, an employee that frequently greets him at the counter, approached him while he was reading at a table. Without any introduction, he asked Tom,  “I see you here a lot. What do you do?” 

Tom put down his cup of coffee, set aside the newspaper, and gave the young man his attention. A productive conversation ensued.

When he found out that Tom is an attorney, he jokingly said, “Are you going to sue me?” Tom laughed, said no, and explained his legal focus, which does not involve suing fast food workers. Ever.

“I could never be a professional like you.”

“Why not?”

The young man went on to share some of his insecurities, “I’ve never been good at … “ 

Tom responded with words of encouragement, noting the employee’s customer service skills.

I think Tom used his influence in a loving manner because he made three key choices:

1. He welcomed the interruption.

2. He was an active listener.

3. He used his years of experience, confidence and authority to encourage another, expecting nothing in return. 

For the introverts in our midst, I’m not suggesting that you extend yourself beyond one’s comfort and safety zones.  I’m talking about being aware of opportunities to lovingly - as an introvert - use your influence.

Lynn offered additional examples of how this might play out in real life. For example, being aware of someone at the table or meeting that is not engaging, and then being willing to seek them out. “Something else I try to do in my day to day interactions is to point out when someone is good at their job by actually saying that, ‘‘you are really good at your job.’ I think it's an important step beyond the traditional thank you. The smiles I’ve received as a result are encouraging to me, too.”

A POINT OF GRATITUDE

I’m grateful for my husband, Tom, and his example in responding to an early morning interruption. In responding to others navigating the storm of life, his natural bent is to assume the best of someone and allow mental and emotion space to consider unknown circumstances. Regardless of the size of Tom’s boat, he’ll always have room for another.

Sharing kindness and exhibiting dignity and grace will contribute significantly to feeling beautiful for the rest of your life.

Vivian Diller

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

Do you consider yourself to have influence over others?

Are you aware of situations and styles that influence you, both positively and negatively?

How do you manage outside influences in your life?

Love for the Long Haul

The third installment in the Season of Love on Second Cup with Lynn and Nancy.

For Nancy and me, long marriages are our stories.  My husband, John, and I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary.  Yes, we married young, but not that young.  It’s been a long time since we've been together, and I couldn’t be more grateful.  Nancy and her husband, Tom, are just a year and a month behind us, so next summer they will celebrate 40 years of marriage as well.  

The other day, someone asked me if I had one word of advice on a long marriage, and I said “Commit.”  You’ve got to mean to stay, and barring emotional or physical harm, do everything in your power to do just that.  

This is not everyone's story and it doesn't mean it's the best story. It just happens to be our story. And just know that if this is not your story, we honor it and understand everyone's path is a little bit different. Recently I went out to lunch with a bunch of ladies from my neighborhood. It's a very social group out here where I live, and they're just lovely. And since it was close to my anniversary, I just started asking some questions. How did you meet your husband and how long have you been married? Best marriage advice.? And one thing I learned afresh is just how different everyone's story is.

So what struck me is the stories of how people met and how exceptional they are. And I wondered what was the unusual thing about the way Nancy met Tom. Nancy shared, “Well, what's unusual about it, and it played out really throughout our 38 years, is that I'm a native Floridian. I'm from Florida. Tom's from Illinois, and he’s very Midwestern. And when we met, I was living in Ohio, he was in Illinois, and we actually met in Indiana. So what's kind of unusual is that we were living in two different states, met in a third, and then little did he know that I was just very Floridian in the way I think and always wantied to come back here, which ultimately we have.”

The most unusual thing about when I met John, which was when we were in college, was that we actually lived across the street from each other, but we had never met. And then we met in a city that was away from where we went to school. It got me thinking that it is just all kind of magical.  It's very serendipitous.  And in the Christian worldview that Nancy and I have - mysterious in the way God moves and leads us to be together.

Even in the mundane days, there is a little bit of magic, but not it’s not always magical. We consume a lot of media that tells us it should be perfect and exciting. We saw Top Gun Maverick movie, and so you think your relationship should be something like Tom Cruise comes back from a day spent flying fighter jets, and then you take them out on the sailboat and you look like Jennifer Conley and your sweater tied around your shoulders and the sun's setting behind you and every day should just be like that. But it's really not.

That's just true of any part of our life. There's a lot of routine and mundane and functioning and interacting, especially in marriage.  Right now Tom and Nancy are in a season of both working remotely and they work a large part of the day in the same room.  Their desks actually face one another.  If it gets to be 5:30 in the afternoon, they might ask “Are you done?”  And the other says, “Yes,” and then they go to dinner or something.   So ordinary as is much of life, but at least for right now it's working and they are making the most of it. Sometimes we do have to be aware of the influence of social media and recalibrate our expectations. 

This long haul of being married is a marathon, not a sprint. And in a marathon at the start, everyone's excited and cheering and very optimistic about how the race is going to go. And there are points when that you reach this runner's high and everything feels great. But there are also just those points where you hit a hill.  There's a hill in the Boston Marathon called Heartbreak Hill.  Sometimes you're just tired and you just need a drink of water and you need to rest. And I think it's kind of a good analogy for what our really long happy marriages are happy over the long haul. But there are times when it's just really either mundane or even really hard.

Now, I'm not a marathoner. And five miles has been Nancy’s longest to date.  Still impressive!  But she doesn’t just go out and run five miles.  She had to train.   Build up from a 5k to a 5-mile race.  That's true of investing training into our marriage. How am I supposed to know how to live with another human being and to deal with conflict, to kind of know when to stand up and when to yield? The personal dynamics are rather expansive, aren’t they? Workshops, counseling, books, asking older mentors, seeking wisdom.  Find help and guidance. Put the effort in early on.  

Doesn't it hurt when you run? And the answer is absolutely, it hurts. It always hurts. And we expect it to hurt because who goes out and runs five miles and just one morning? So is living with another person, sacrificially, and giving and considering the needs of someone. I mean, all of these kinds of things are going to stretch us. And sometimes it could hurt because my partner's not perfect.

Back to my ladies’ luncheon,  I was asking for marriage advice at my luncheon today. And someone shared that  the best advice she heard came from Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the late Supreme Court Justice, who famously said, “Sometimes I just pretend to be deaf.” Sometimes I just need to let things go. I've learned, we've learned to recognize what matters, what's important, what is okay to let go. And I find that when I am focusing on the minutiae, the little things that annoy me, I need to maybe take a reset, maybe there's a pebble in my shoe, or I haven't had enough water, or I need an energy bar or something.

Knowing ourselves is essential.  Nancy shared that she’s aware that when stressed she becomes critical, and who can be on the receiving end of that?  It's Mr. Schneider. So she has learned to recognize that in herself, and he recognizes that as well. Part of training is better understanding of yourself and what your pressure points are, what those triggers can be, and then being honest about it and discussing that. It works both ways.

Keep laughing together, finding things that are funny, finding ourselves funny. When I can laugh at myself, that's the best way to get past a little rough patch in the road. Nancy agreed and during the course of our conversation shared, ‘ One of my top three things that I love most about my husband is his humor, his sense of humor and our shared laughter. I do think it's essential. Life's just too heavy. So we need to fight for the joy.”

Indeed.

Fight for the joy.  

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

I am grateful for my husband of forty years, and his commitment to give his very best.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

If you’re in a long-term relationship, what is a one-word key to success?

Mystery? Magic? or Serendipity? How do you describe things you can’t explain?

What helps you fight for the joy when life is heavy?

Expressing Love Through Creativity

There’s more to creativity than we think!  It’s not always about making something out of art supplies or planning the perfect party.  It’s helpful in problem-solving! A few years ago Nancy’s little family of four was visiting with her extended family, and they were out having a picnic, likely at the beach because those people love a shoreline.  I mean who doesn't?! They happened to be away from the house and the hotel and therefore had none of the typical problem-solving supplies.  

Now, this is a pretty active group,  and they are used to playing a lot of games. So after the sandwiches were consumed and the chips and dips were cleaned up, a game of flag football was about to begin.  But there was a problem because they had no ball. Not to be deterred, this group decided to do a survey of what they had in the car. Here’s the list:  duct tape, a towel, brown paper bags, and sandwich wrappers.  Nancy wasn’t sure who got the credit for this bold act of creativity, but about two to three minutes later, they enjoyed the very first game of what became “trash ball!”

Did it become a tradition?  Well, Nancy’s family still jokes about it.  It’s part of family lore.  And if they are all headed out to do something, they remind each other “Don’t forget stuff or we’ll have to play trash ball!” It’s become a bit of a measuring point for them. 

In the second season of Second Cup, Nancy and I talked about being intentional to highlight ways that we can better love our family, our friends, our neighbors, and the community at large.  We tagged it “The Season of Love.”  High on the list is being intentional with what we create and what we put out into the world. So we got to talking about the gift of creativity, a list of items or experiences that we can create that will help speak love and encouragement to others. And so Nancy asked me about problem-solving!

The first example that came to mind for me happened many, many years ago when I was a child. And I grew up on a farm. and for the longest time, it was just my brother and me (we have another brother who came along later) and most often my brother was often my only option for a playmate. We had nothing in common, as we each leaned toward stereotypical boy/girl interests. Little Lynn used problem-solving to figure out what he loved, which was baseball. He could spend hours throwing the baseball off the roof of the barn and catching it. And my love at the time was drama and making up plays so I convinced him to join me, and for a moment in time we became the announcers for the Chicago Cubs baseball team in our imaginary play. Now that was something I could get my brother to agree to play with me. Using the power of creativity,  I'd solved a problem for myself. 

And the application?  You have to look at what the other person really cares about. It's not just about solving a problem for yourself. It's how can I incorporate what the other person in this scenario really values? In Nancy’s case, people valued playing a game together, so they were willing to come together and do what it takes to create the equipment they needed to play the game. And for my brother and I, it had to do with baseball and dramatic play.

The other example was much more recent. I went to spend some time with my grandson who lives in another country and just to be the after-school care provider for a few days. And so as a grandmother for the first time, I packed up what my grandmother used to pack up, which was books and stickers and, and little activities that you do with your hands. 

Well, when I got there and we started playing after school, I realized that there was a much greater interest in running and jumping and climbing and that we were not really going to sit and do stickers. And so at that moment I just kind of started looking around and we made obstacle courses from what was there. And we would stick stickers on the wall and then run fast to grab them and then go stick them on the other wall. It was just sort of pivoting, another word maybe for creativity or problem-solving. And it was so much fun!

Sometimes it's very loving when you receive from the other person that that's not quite what they want to engage in. But you can easily pivot to make it work for both of you. By the way, this story refreshed Nancy’s memory about two-year-olds!  They do want to run fast and climb things!

Nancy used to drive through for an iced coffee on her way to work, and she would see the same ladies working the drive-through since her purchase happened at about the same time every day.  They were always very upbeat and encouraging to Nancy and acted as if her small purchase really mattered.  They treated her well and got her day off to a good start.  It inspired Nancy to reciprocate in an act of sharing love through creativity.  

So she picked up some flowers at a grocery store on her way that morning. And so when the server in the window handed Nancy the iced coffee, Nancy handed her some flowers along with a handwritten note.  This was a fun moment for Nancy, not only because they had been good to her and became a regular part of her morning, but just to see the joy on the employee’s face.  She looked and Nancy and said, “Oh I love you, girl!”  And Nancy said it back and there was a moment!  

That’s another opportunity to create a memory, to use something very routine, very ordinary. it's a little reminder to slow down enough to notice those opportunities.  With this simple act of creativity, Nancy created something extraordinary.  

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

Through creativity, we can make moments to encourage, uplift, engage grandchildren, comfort, and love others.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

What’s an example of creative problem-solving from your childhood?

When have you had to pivot to engage in successful play with a child or grandchild in your care?

Is there something creative you can do this week to show someone you care?

How to be a Loving Friend

Lynn and I started the second season of our podcast by hanging a banner of love over every topic. With our friendship of thirty years as a cornerstone of each conversation, we decided to explore what we have learned about cultivating loving friendships. 

How did it all begin?

Lynn and I were living our respective lives in Champaign, Illinois where we were in the same new member class for the Junior League, a women’s volunteer service organization. It wasn’t until our paths crossed at a holiday house walk that names and faces were connected and registered.

“I was stationed in a beautiful older home as a hostess and remember seeing you come in carrying an enormous sleeping toddler bundled in a snowsuit,” shared Lynn. 

That enormous toddler weighed more than ten pounds at birth and found no need for consistent naps. Motherhood was new to me and I was struggling. When I learned that Lynn had two children and  appeared to be doing okay,  I may have whispered to myself, “Please let her be my friend.”

We started getting to know each other, working on projects and having playdates because our sons were close in age. 

An unexpected bit of trivia about our enduring friendship is that the majority of the time, we’ve not had proximity work for us. Lynn points out that we have lived in the same state, and briefly in the same city, but never in the same zip code. “That’s always been my goal.” 

What makes a friendship last?

“The primary emotion that comes to mind is love. You just care about somebody and they are in your life for a reason,” offers Lynn.  “And it brings joy to share life with you.” 

In a friendship, when distance, time and energy are factors to navigate, Lynn and I offer the lessons we learned as we accepted the miles between us as a challenge, not a barrier.

“I decided to make your people my people,” explains Lynn. I can attest to her genuine interest in our family that is distributed in three different states! 

Getting to know someone’s extended crew takes intention, but as I have told Lynn several times, “Your people are great people.”  Be sure to do it in a way that is authentic. Our children’s lives have been enriched, too, by the extension of “family.” Can there be too much love?

Bringing our families together with some consistency was a shared value. Lynn fondly remembers the spring break trips when her group would load up in the van for a trip to Florida. “We leave in the dark hours of the morning hoping to clear the southern border of Illinois before sunrise.”

We also recommend this safe advice, “Just show up.” 

“That can be kind of a hard thing with miles between you, but as you become familiar with someone and their schedule, you know when they get up and go to bed, and you can just call. Don’t overthink it,” encourages Lynn. Fortunately, we are both early risers! 

One of my favorite ways to show up is by sending cards for the not-so-typical occasions. 

And for those typical occasions or key milestones, such as graduations, make the commitment to be there! With budgets and schedules to manage, there were years when our kids made a solo journey on behalf of the parents. 

Another tip? Be your friend’s cheerleader for all the things!  

Lynn adds, “I’m always rooting for you, of course, but I’m also interested in what you’re doing. For example, when you were recently planning a vacation, I shared your enthusiasm by learning about the places you were going.”

For this second season of the podcast, we introduced a new feature at the end of the main conversation, “Try Something New.”  Our suggestion for this week was to be aware of new faces at regular places, and when appropriate, to reach out with a card of encouragement. 

The Closing Question

In the episode’s closing question, we both answered, “What qualities do you appreciate in a friend.”

• For me, I appreciate a good sense of humor, which Lynn has in abundance. 

• For Lynn, she appreciates a sense of fun and adventure! And I’m happy to provide both!

A POINT OF GRATITUDE

This is an easy one. I’m grateful for Lynn and for the countless conversations we have shared about stuff. Stuff about who to listen to, what to buy at Target, when to try a new hair style, where to drink great coffee and how to stretch our patience.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

How do you “show up” for the special women in your life?

What are three qualities that make a good friend?

What investments are you willing to make in a friendship?

A Harebrained Scheme Comes to Life

In episode 12, the finale of Season One, we find ourselves reminiscing  -  and remembering the 1978 Little River Band song of that name!!   A good memory!  And we are thinking back on a phrase coined by Nancy’s oldest child, “harebrained scheme,” and some of our past ideas.  

First of all, is it HARE or HAIR, when talking about schemes?  Let’s check the dictionary:

harebrained

adjective

hare·​brained ˈher-ˈbrānd 

Synonyms of harebrained:

1

: FOOLISH sense 1

2

: ABSURD, RIDICULOUS*

Nancy and I both tend to operate on the creative side and talk!  Plans in the past for harebrained schemes have included party planning, radio shows, and book outlines.  A family camp is an idea that even mapped out an organizational chart with various responsibilities!

At an old family cottage, with interior walls that doubled exterior walls, we talked about redoing old cottages pre-HGTV.  We would find the old ones and rent them out.  Ahead of Airbnb and of our time!  These old cabins and cottages came with shiplap. All we had to do was paint them white!

We spent a lot of time as pre-Pinterest parents on themed birthday parties.  One of Nancy’s best was a “007” spy party complete with file folder dossiers!  So we talked about creating guides to creative parties for parents.  We were both Vacation Bible School creators, with curriculum ideas and even tested those at our respective churches.

I distinctly remember Nancy’s son coming into the room during one of these creative bursts of conversations.  He was late elementary or middle school age at the time, and he issued a challenge:  “When are you guys going to actually do one of your hare-brained schemes?”

It turns out the answer is 2022!

We started the podcast.  We listened to many and found we enjoyed different types.  So one day we got on Zoom and recorded a sample together. Funny enough, Nancy’s son, the same one who issued the challenge a decade or two earlier, overheard the whole thing.  We were chatting about it and hit record and did a sample.  Afterward, he admitted to eavesdropping and complimented our efforts.  “You should really do that!”  We took that to heart.

After that step, we were encouraged enough to send it to my brother.  Now I have two brothers, both I would consider geniuses in different areas of life.  One is a farmer and heavy equipment operator, but the other has deep roots in radio and radio production.  Early in his career, he won tons of awards for audio projects he produced.  So we sent our rough recording off to my brother, Tim.  He put it together in a way that made us believe we could do it!

With his encouragement, we went ahead and recorded the first three episodes.  He produced them for us and we pitched them to a network.   We found out we weren’t really ready for that, but with their kind of encouragement, we kept going!  We still strongly believe in the market for podcasts for women of a certain age, and have produced a year’s worth of episodes, 40 strong, all available where you listen!

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

Actually doing it!  Having a hare-brained scheme and following through!

Thanks also to Dave, Tim and our test group, and our producer Mariah.  Lots of family and friends who encouraged us!

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

Have you ever acted on a crazy idea? 

Who encourages you when you need it?

What are you creating right now?

Do I care what people think?

Lynn knows that three days a week, my husband and I swim laps at a nearby YMCA as part of our much-needed exercise routine. To reach the goal of being in the water by 7 am, we pack our bags the night before. If there is an upcoming 5K race on my schedule, I might cross train by reallocating part of my pool time to working out on strategic machines which requires a change in attire.

This system typically works until you pack a half slip in place of much needed undergarments. One morning, not to be deterred, I decided to stay in my swimsuit and proceed with my shirt, shorts, and running shoes.  Hey, I’m going to sweat anyway. 

As I repacked my locker and adjusted my headphones, an older woman in the locker room - the kind that commands respect with stately posture and alert eyes - took an up-and-down inventory of my body, and then using a rather bold tone of voice said, “Well, look at you, going about your day not caring a bit about what others think of you.” 

My embarrassment was moderated by my reflection in the mirror. Wet hair going in different directions. Shirt and shorts were already damp. And my tight swim goggles left impressions around my eyes. She was right. I was a sight.

Now, If you recall, my priority was cross training, and having encountered my packing misstep in the pool bag, I was actually proud of myself for maintaining my focus. Conclusion? I  didn’t care what others thought of my appearance. 

But that’s not always true. Or appropriate. I asked Lynn, “When should we care about what others think of us?

INFLUENCER CULTURE

BFF Lynn jumps in the conversation with a societal observation. “We live in influencer culture right now, and a lot of what we see on social media has to do with appearance.”  This topic is worth unpacking.

And like me, she also has a column for exemptions! For Lynn, it’s long international flights taken twice a year to see their daughter. “If you’re on a plane for eight or nine hours, comfort rules the day.” 

Beyond preparing for long-distance journeys, we agree that comfort should be a consideration.. “There are times when just being comfortable matters.”

Another factor in maintaining one’s appearance is whether or not you enjoy it. Lynn asks, “Is there a part of dressing well, doing your hair, or having a skin care routine that matters to you?”

Is there an inner reward?

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE and  INNER BEHAVIOR

Around the same time as the encounter in the  locker room, I shared with Lynn that there were a series of incidents that inspired a check on my behavior, notably times calling for a demonstration of patience. In those situations, how did others see me? How did my inward behavior affect my outward appearance?

Within a 48 hour time span, these two stories revealed a not so good look — even with dry hair and nice clothes.

First, a trip to CVS for a COVID booster. After checking in, I waited. And waited. And then expressed my displeasure. When the technician finally arrived, I sensed she was trying to defuse the situation by asking in a cheerful voice, “How’s your day going so far?” 

“It’s going okay, but I’m frustrated after having to wait so long.”

As she prepped my arm for the shot, she said, “I’m like you. I hate wasting time. I’m in and out of doctor’s offices for my chemo regimen so I know that every minute counts.” 

My eyes closed. I took a deep breath. In that moment, I reflected on what sort of “look” was distinguishing my appearance.

My next story involved a Chick-Fil-A drive thru, long considered the nirvana of drive thru experiences. I’m still amazed about my inability to pivot when served a Diet Coke instead of a Diet Dr. Pepper. Fortunately, my co-pilot interceded with a proud-and-loud “thank you.” Goodness. Not my finest hour.

HOW DO WE WANT PEOPLE TO SEE US?

Lynn quickly answered.

We want people to see our kindness. 

We want them to see our curiosity.

We want them to see our caring.

Sometimes we’re in a place where we can give those things.

Sometimes we’re in a place where once we recalibrate, we can give those things.

Sometimes, we can’t. 

And when that happens, we marvel at God’s grace, and then endeavor to find a better pathway forward.

THREE WAYS TO STYLE ONE’S HEART

Our closing words focused on three mains strategies for managing our appearance, starting with a positive inner glow!

• Leave a margin in my schedule and manage it.

• When sensing a challenge, regroup by considering true priorities. 

• Extend and receive grace. Always grace.

A POINT OF GRATITUDE

I appreciate the sisterhood of a healthy women’s locker room. I’ve watched strangers come to the aid of one another, with nothing to gain and everything to lose. Water bottles and towels are shared, alongside tears and stories of disappointment. Kudos are given to those lift the weights, both literally and figuratively. It’s all a gift.

I think that being happy makes the biggest impact on your physical appearance.

Drew Barrymore

Fashion can be bought. Style one must possess.

Edna W. Chase

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

What factors differentiate an outward and inward appearance?

Do you have any personal rules for grooming, such as “I never wear <blank> to the <blank>.

Should you care what others think of you?

Plan for What You Can

When we recorded Episode 10, Plan for What You Can, I had recently returned from a trip to visit our daughter and her family. It is a direct flight from Chicago to her city that takes 9 or 10 hours, and I break the trip up into time chunks for activities like reading, watching movies, dozing, and snacking. But the most important time management tool I have is an analog watch. The minute I’m on the plan, I set the time to the zone to which I am traveling. The time hack is key to me because I can prepare in advance to manage jet lag. I don’t want to spend a bunch of time catching up on sleep. I’m there to see my people!

The time hack has a bigger value for preplanning things you know in advance. A lot of life surprises us, but traveling over several time zones is not a surprise. It’s going to have an impact, and it’s an impact that we can plan for. I’ve learned to take some steps in advance:

• I wear a watch so that once on the plane I can immediately change to the time zone to which I am headed, which is a six-hour difference to where I live. I adjust my thinking to the new schedule before I even get there.

• When I get there, I get sunshine and fresh air as soon as possible. It resets my circadian rhythm.

• I will allow myself a short, early afternoon (local time) nap. Less than a couple of hours, then get up and get going until a reasonable bedtime, often with an OTC sleep aid on the first night.

With these tips, it really only takes a day to get adjusted. And that’s key for me because I’m eager to spend all my waking moments interacting with my darling grandson.

We have several phases of life ahead of us, and much of the time we spend right now north of 60 is spent in planning for what’s ahead. Envisioning yourself in the years to come, in health, housing, finances, and more. When Nancy relocated a couple of years ago, conversations were around where they wanted to be long-term and issues related to that. How do we stay in the day while planning for the future? Maybe it’s the opposite. Anxiety-relieving planning takes some of the pressure off and equips us to be present.

On the plane, I no longer have to worry about what the jet lag might be like. I’ve taken steps to address it ahead of time. A slow and steady discipline to have the vision, to be mindful and intentional, and then do the next right thing. You only have to do the one next step. As always there are a few tensions to manage, but the reward is out there. Making long-term investments in planning for our own lives and for the impact on those we love is worth our time and brain-space. Let’s plan for what we can.

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

I’m thankful for the means and ability to travel to see my family, and for their warm welcome when I arrive.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

What traditions you are creating with your grandchildren, especially if they live far away?

What are your best travel tips?

To where would you like to travel?

Wisdom in Waiting

Don’t just do something. Stand there.

Ponder that one while I tell you a story. 

Our Sunday driving route to church takes us through two small yet distinctive retail areas that feature popular local restaurants and bars. The potential for more-after garbage on the weekend is great. The first shopping strip we pass through is immaculate, no matter the day or time. The second one, closest to the church, not so much. It’s a wreck. 

I’m a get it done type, so in a nanosecond, I imagine going to Lowes and buying those clever garbage picker uppers and coordinating buckets, and getting to work. In addition, Tom and I are also in a season where we have flexibility in our weekend schedule, so we could knock out the clean up routine early before anyone notices and still keep other commitments. 

My zeal to jump in and get something done is not new to my buddy. Over our nearly forty years of marriage, he’s seen that go well and not so well. With age, I’ve come to respect his advice, “Don’t just do something. Stand there.” 

He was right.

Turns out that the merchants in the second neighborhood were talking about a sustainable solution to the weekend garbage crisis. Our church was invited into the conversations. Had I jumped in without consulting others - assuming that my good deed would be appreciated - might have “trashed” the developing relationships. 

As I shared this story with Lynn, she graciously applauded my ability to problem solve, but she, too, recognized that this scenario called for applying the wisdom of waiting. 

Waiting is not doing nothing.

My second story involving the wisdom of waiting comes from my work with a central Florida nonprofit. I recruited two neighborhood organizations to host a volunteer training session. One of these groups was better resourced than the other.

When the day of the event arrived, the training site was beautifully prepared, including refreshments. One item was missing: coffee! A woman with the more affluent group offered,  “I’m happy to take care of that. I’ll just run a quick errand.” Before anyone realized what was happening, I approached this individual in the parking lot and asked her to wait. The refreshments that were provided were done so at a great cost, and while we were used to coffee, it was not essential. The priority was honoring the relationships. “Let’s wait for coffee.” 

Lynn correctly observed that in that situation, hitting pause honored the hosts and elevated the importance of the relationships. 

We talked more about the tension of waiting versus the just-do-it approach. That’s when Lynn offered this game changer, “Waiting is not doing nothing.”

“The act of waiting is something that gives us opportunities to observe, to learn and for seeking discerning and that’s important.”

Lynn is quick to add, however, "I'm the first to admit that waiting is hard work. I don't want to suggest that I've gotten it all figured out." 

We both had a good laugh when we confessed that despite our abilities and desire to plan and solve problems, we are not the solution to every problem!  We know this truth, but when life comes at your fast, taking charge comes way too easy!

But what if it’s not the right action for the path.

And what if your action hurts others on the path.

And what if it’s not your path to walk. 

“And no one likes a know-it-all.”  (This line can be attributed to each of us!)

Toward the end of the original conversation, I shared three guardrails to use when tempted to take action without a clear invitation or stated urgency.

1. Unless someone’s life is at risk, zoom out to observe what’s beyond your perspective and seek counsel.

2. Practice humility. Despite our best efforts, we remain limited in our understanding.

3. Practice empathy. Put yourself in their shoes of the person you wan to help, and ask yourself, “How would I feel?”

A POINT OF GRATITUDE

I’m actually grateful for the tension of waiting versus doing. Managing this dynamic gives me yet another opportunity to learn, to stretch, to grow. Taking the advice to “Stand there. Don’t do something” is humbling yet once you’ve fully surrendered to the wait, the decision offers peace and perspective.

The Wait Was Worth It

Several months after my initial Sunday morning rant about how easy-it-would-be-to-burst-onto-the-scene-and-address-the-garbage-problem, our congregation began regular cleaning services with the support of the merchants. Not only is there safety in numbers, but there is a bunch of fun, too!

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

Do you consider waiting to be an active practice?

What do you think are the risks associated with a just-do-it approach?

How do you determine when, where and how to contribute to a situation where your services or abilities might make a difference?

What To Do With Tangled Roots?

When sunshine is elusive, a conversation with a good friend in the Sunshine State is just what the doctor ordered!  No planting in northwest Indiana til memorial day seems daunting, doesn’t it?  We are well into June now and it’s a surprisingly chilly one.  But the corn is growing in straight rows and flowers are planted and blooming.

Eat more pie!  That’s one of the takeaways from today’s life lesson! Today’s thoughts center around roots and I come from a long line of pie bakers.  And Nancy’s a grower of indoor and outdoor plants.  I have a vivid image of a plant when it’s been in a pot too long.  The roots get tangled and overgrown and messy and that’s an analogy for our people and where we come from. They make us who we are and as we get older we become more of that tangled, beautiful mess.

A few years ago I had an opportunity to make a big move with my husband.  Big move for us, even though it was only three hours away because I am deeply rooted.  Where I come from, my mom still lives in the house I grew up in.  My people are settlers. They have jobs like farmers and teachers and nurses.  I recently went to a family reunion and saw about 100 cousins and they all know each other well.  They mostly live close to one another. Their kids and grandkids go to school together. They socialize and vacation together, it’s a very connected family that I come from. That’s part of what led me to have a hard time with the move when it was time for my tangled roots to get repotted. The process is not without trauma because you have to tease and break the roots.  You put it in a new pot which is great because it’s new and roomy, but it takes a while for the plant to adjust.  A lot of times a newly repotted plant just looks a little sad.  And as Nancy reminded me, scientists say this is a real thing.  You have to alter expectations for the plant and be very tender towards them during this time of transition. 

Being tender towards ourselves when we have big changes like this is important too. Maybe you have acquired the skill of moving, but having never really done it, I had not.  In the early days in our new community, when I started going to the grocery store here after shopping at the same place for 20 years, I started looking for people I knew.  The first time I saw a familiar face, it was such a treat.  In those first days at home, before we had even met the neighbors, I asked my husband, “What do I do if I hurt myself, who do I call?”  He said of course I should call him and he would come, but I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of him.  I’ve never needed an ambulance in my life, but I was sure this would be the time.  I started carrying my cell phone with me, even at home, wherever I went.  I relied on Google Maps for way too long, stubbornly refusing to learn the lay of the land.  I went along with the move, but as Nancy astutely pointed out, I had a bit of a rebellious spirit.  This “repotting” wasn't my idea, and it stirred up some sadness and some fear and yes, some rebelliousness.

I talked to a counselor at the time (we’re big fans of counseling here at Second Cup - if you need to talk to someone, do it!).  I wasn’t familiar with attachment theory, and so I was in a learning posture as he shared with me that it turns out I’m really good at attaching.  I had a lot of attachments and when I needed to break them, it hurt and left wounds that needed to heal. But wisely my counselor predicted that I had the skills and ability to make attachments where I was going.  The pain of leaving is also a sign that you’re going to be good at where you are going.

This counselor gave me a little bit of hope that served as an anchor. While it took some time for my roots to spread and grow and to become strong again, I’ve ultimately become delighted to be here to get to know people and to run into people I know in the grocery store.  I don’t have to use Google Maps very often at all anymore.  And I have plenty of emergency contacts if need them.

While I’m still eager to return to my rootedness, I have made my home here.  My advice?  Don’t fear attachment if you are somewhere new. Go ahead and dig in.  It’s also okay to celebrate your roots:  where you’ve come from, what you learned in that part of your life, and who you spent your time with.  You can take that with you.  It’s not gone; both can co-exist.  Moving doesn’t have to be a replacement equation, it can be an addition equation, one that is stronger and richer,  One that sets the roots free to grow and expand.

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

I’m thankful for a sense of place, whether new or old, and for roots whether tangled and messy or well sorted.  And I’m thankful that as we allow ourselves to be “repotted” we become stronger and more complete in who we are. 

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

Do you think of yourself as deeply rooted or rather mobile?

Do your roots have to do with people, places or experiences?

If you have ever moved, you likely have a story to tell.  What’s yours?

Making Mantras Count

It’s no surprise that I began our conversation on making mantras count with a trip down a rabbit hole. The subject for this side dive was high school cross country! Both Schneider kids were runners, which offered us seven years of way-early Saturday morning meets. Lynn and John’s youngest son ran in middle school, so this is another topic in the ‘shared experiences’ column.

Each season I looked forward to the day Dave or Ellen brought home their new team t-shirt. On the backside you would find a slogan or phrase that would help set the tone for the year. The key was to pick something that would psyche up the home team while psyching out the competition. 

Jumping right in, Lynn asks, “Who decided on the theme? What was the process?” Some years, our coaches would make the pick. Other years this creative outlet was reserved for the team captains. However it was done, I appreciated a coach taking advantage of an opportunity to turn it into a teachable moment or tradition that would move the team toward their goal. Here are some examples:

• Cross Country, it’s about where you’re going and who you leave behind. (An accurate statement)

• Cross Country, one hill of a sport. (From the days of PG-13)

• Cross Country - no time outs, no half times, no substitutions, the only true sport. (As Lynn noted, “a true brag statement.”)

• It hurts a lot less when you win. (So true)

• To run fast, run fast. (Duh!)

• Good enough is neither. 

Lynn remembered this one from a meet involving a parochial school, “And on the seventh day, God did an easy three!” The “easy three” being referenced is a three mile run which in my world is anything but easy!

Back On Topic

On the subject of personal mantras, principles or power statements, Lynn and I discuss the use of a phrase to guide us in daily life. We respect the power of well chosen words.

When we recorded the original conversation, Prince Harry was in the news for his leadership with the Invictus Games. In interviews with the media, he would be quoted as saying, “My mantra in life is to make the world a better place for my kids.”

A current mantra that Lynn and I share is rooted in a tender story about my mother who was living in a nursing home due to an advanced case of congestive heart failure. I arrived late one day and she was already in the dining room for lunch. I caught a glimpse of her and her tablemates. While laboring for air to fill her lungs, my mother’s mind was very much intact. This was not the case with the others. 

When we finally had time alone to catch up, I told her I had observed the dining room. “Mom, you are clearly in a different state.” I also noted that she has no physical control of her coming and going. Wasn’t this hard? How was she managing?

With a sweet smile and a calm demeanor, she responded, “You know, Nancy, I made all of the choices that got me to this place, at this moment. I stay in the day and go back and recount all of the good, and that is sufficient.”

When she finished, we had a moment. The silence marked something sacred. 

From that day, I have used her words as daily guidance as well as a reminder to take ownership of my journey, the good and the not-so-good. Her opening words, “You know…” represented a lot of history, and yet she said it with a sense of peaceful acknowledgement of what had gone before. I want that for my life, too. 

“Stay in the day.” When life comes at us fast, typically with a list of daunting “what ifs,” calmly repeating these four words helps to regulate my breathing.  Lynn correctly observed, “This truth helps to prevent us from spinning our wheels too fast.” 

Mantras As Guardrails

Mantras can be an important guardrail to planning and goal setting, too. While these practices are good and often necessary, anxiety levels are often sent sky high. Using a guide, such as “stay in the day,” can remind us of reasonable limits and reset expectations. 

Lynn highlights another shared mantra that we borrow from our friends in the medical profession. “When I get caught up in things, words can come out of my mouth that could be harmful to others and I don’t want that. So, one of my mantras is ‘do no harm.’ Make the choice to wait it out. Not to stuff it, but to deal with it in a time when emotion is not at the forefront of my mind. And not to have regrets about how I treated someone.” 

The third one we frequently use is “do the next thing.” This bit of wisdom came to us during a conference when we heard a speaker address personal suffering. Lynn explains, “She said suffering is having anything you don’t want or wanting anything you don’t have. And when you’re in that suffering, the only thing you can do is the very next thing. Just one thing.” 

Stay in the day.

Do no harm.

Do the next thing. 

Yes, these are the three that work for us.

A POINT OF GRATITUDE

I am grateful for my creative BFF Lynn for sharing life with me. The stories behind our three mantras are gifts that continue to offer joy, wisdom, comfort, and much needed grace.

Words matter, right?

Whether you call them mantras, slogans, or catch phrases, even a casual combination of words can make a difference in someone’s day. Have you ever been surprised by a street sign? An unexpected card in the mail with an encouraging word? A positive billboard? (they exist?)

Post your examples on Instagram and tag us, @secondcupwithlynnandnancy.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

Do you have a word of wisdom or other truism that guides your thinking?

Have you ever created a mantra or slogan for a special season of life?

Do you have a source of wisdom for navigating the day to day?

How Do We Choose?

Marking the occasion of the end of “This is Us,” a podcast favorite, Nancy and I got to talking about TV content and the overwhelming choices available.  I had just finished watching “Julia” on HBOMax (now Max).  I was a huge fan of Julia Child as a kid- watching every weekend on PBS and writing down recipes.

As women north of sixty, when we were kids there were only a few channels to choose from.  I loved the PBS offerings like Julia Child as The French Chef, but also Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood long after I was in the target demographic and a fun show called Zoom!  I still know the zip code (0 2 1 3 4) for when you wanted to “send it to Zoom!”

Content!  It’s overwhelming!  When I don’t know what to watch or the world seems slightly overwhelming, I often default to The West Wing.  It’s my comfort TV!  

This got me thinking about decision-making and how we decide in all kinds of settings.  My brother taught me to think about business decision-making by starting with goals and values.  The difference between the two?  Goals change and lead to accomplishment. Values, once established, remain.  How does this apply to decision-making for what to watch?  Hang with me.

Values can be specific, filters in decision-making. Recently I helped with a big fundraising effort at a church where I work, where we are raising money to purchase and renovate an old printing press building in the heart of downtown.  We have been able to make decisions about how we are going to raise funds according to our firmly established values, which we’ve had from the beginning of this rather young church.  We refer to them as Mantras.  Just four, easy to remember and an easy filter to run these through.  As Nancy pointed out, being easy to remember is key.  When I was at Notre Dame, they also had key mantras for programming, hiring, and other decision-making scenarios.  In non-profits, especially important because they are prone to mission creep. So many good things to do, but we can be spread too thin.  

Values, mantras, checklists, filters, rubric.  We ought to be able to come up with these for decisions we have to make.  Decide once what I value!  Tie this to personal content, not just in the business realm, bring that good stuff back home, and personal choices.  The older I get, the file box is full.  With rubrics in place, I’m good to go!

Apply this to entertainment content choices, I’m applying these values:

1.  I value feeling better rather than worse at the end of it.  You can’t always tell but I read ahead.  I don’t want to feel scared, confused, or dark at the end of consuming the content.  Not a value judgment - you may choose differently, but have some!

2. I like material that entertains or informs.  “Yes!” to documentaries and life-long learning.

3. I have permission to quit.  If it’s not worth my time, I can stop.  Even a couple of chapters into a book that’s not resonating, I’ll drop it.  Earlier in life, I felt a kind of obligation to complete.  No more.

You may not enjoy informational documentaries, like Nancy’s husband Tom.  That’s okay. Be proactive, and bring some intentionalities. Personalize your filters.  To be actively intentional all the time is exhausting - so do this ahead of time!

One decision I’ve made ahead of time is that when I am feeling sorry for myself, I know it’s time to do something for someone else.  I had a very wise friend and neighbor who shared that with me several years ago and it never failed me.  Decisions made long ago help us know what to do.  With a recent holiday weekend facing us with no plans, we were tempted to feel sad about that, sorry for ourselves.  Instead, we decided to make a holiday meal and deliver it to some friends who had weekends packed with activities and obligations. It was fun, creative, exercised the gift of hospitality, and ended up with a good kind of tiredness at the end. A decision made ahead of time made this an easy and rewarding choice.\

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

I am grateful for having options.  It’s a privilege to get to make decisions. I am very aware and grateful for wise teachers like my brother, a neighbor, and a BFF like Nancy. 

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

Is there a show or movie you turn to for comfort?

Do you enjoy lots of options or feel overwhelmed by too many choices?

Is there a consistent rule of thumb you follow in making decisions?

Engaging Our Spaces

A little piece of porch is all you need. And snacks. 

That was a teaser for our podcast episode (#5) on community engagement, and it still rings true today. 

Related to this topic is the story about my volunteer experience with The Jobs Partnership of Florida as a job counselor for three unemployed women. I was recruited to give my time and expertise. In addition to attending the weekly training, I offered transportation assistance on the weekends for running errands. 

One woman was especially engaging, always asking questions. She was sharp. On Saturday she called and asked me to come a little early because she had something for me. “As I’ve learned about your routine and schedule, I think you would benefit from a coupon system that would allow you to save time and money. I made you a book and want to review it with you.”  

Excuse me? You think I need help? 

As I shared with Lynn, I was embarrassed because my reaction meant that I viewed this relationship as a one-way exchange. I was there to help her. The differences in our circumstances were obvious, yet this woman had been asking questions and getting to know me. And as friends do, she looked for opportunities to encourage and support me. Yes, I needed help.

“She was using her expertise she had developed to serve you. I thought it was really beautiful.”

Lynn was correct in noting that this unexpected gift changed my behavior in a couple of different ways. Top of the list was learning more about what is known as Asset-Based Community Development which now informs my approach to volunteering. When you begin a project (or relationship), you recognize that every individual, every place has something to contribute. Everyone has an asset. Observing before serving is a new mantra.

A Neighborly Way to Engage

Similar to Little Free Libraries, one of our neighbors has two poetry boxes on the front edge of their property. Fortunately, this area is not governed by a traditional HOA. We are an historic district so there are caveats for renovation, but not necessarily for day to day living. 

Having freedom with one’s yard and home resonates with Lynn, who served on her HOA board, even logging a term as president.  “Anyone who has served on a board has stories!” (Maybe a later episode?!?)

These poetry boxes blend in. When you drive by, you might not even notice them. The selections vary, changing out every couple of weeks, noting special occasions and seasons. Lynn knows I’m not someone naturally drawn to poetry. However, what I am drawn to is a neighbor who has made an intentional effort to engage with their community. 

This action prompted me to ponder how I am engaging others in my places and spaces. Why does this matter?  I settled on two responses and asked Lynn for her thoughts, too.

#1 Engaging people and places means that I’m thinking outside of myself and circumstances. 

Lynn, “Agree. When we turn inward, all kinds of negative things can happen. … Looking outward also gives us a whole different perspective.”

#2 Engaging people and places reflects an investment in a community.

Lynn, “Yes, and I would encourage you to do it in a way that works best for you, like this neighbor.” 

Lynn also uses a porch party my husband and I hosted as an example. We are renters in a building with six other units. On an evening when the neighborhood residents were going to be out, we used a crock pot and cooler to transform a limited (albeit covered) walkway into a casual-dinner-people-watching spot where relationships were made. 

I’m reminded of a children's folk story, “Stone Soup '' in which hungry villagers are fed by asking individuals to bring whatever they have to offer. One their own, the contributions appear somewhat meager, but when gathered as one, the new soup is more than sufficient to address the need. 

For those “spaces” in our lives - whether found in relationships or actual square footage wherever we live, let’s look outward, opening our hearts and eyes to others. And remember - observe before you serve!  

BONUS: Stone Soup is also a literary magazine written by children for children (and maybe adults, too?!?). Quoting their website, “We publish a bimonthly print magazine of poetry, fiction, essays, and artwork as well as a blog that includes book reviews, a poetry podcast, travelogues, and responses to current events—all by kids under 14.”  The site offers a blog and resources for educators.

A POINT OF GRATITUDE

I am grateful for my unknown neighbors who are taking time to share something of beauty. Inspired by their example, may I choose to pace myself in a manner that allows me to see others and their assets!

A Place of Grace

Prompted by the discovery of neighborhood poetry boxes, I seize opportunities to browse a nearby used book store for work by Mary Oliver and Wendell Berry. Their words have encouraged an outward-facing perspective on a variety of topics.

“Poetry is a life-cherishing force. For poems are not words, after all, but fires for the cold, ropes let down to the lost, something as necessary as bread in the pockets of the hungry.”

“A Poetry Handbook,” Mary Oliver

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

What motivates you to volunteer?

What are different expressions of community engagement that you’ve observed?

Are you more likely to build a poetry display box or headline a public poetry reading?

Try Something New

Recently, I was telling Nancy, about our trip to an annual conference that John and I attend. We were out west in the beautiful sunshine of Phoenix, Arizona. Shout out to Phoenix, Scottsdale, Sedona, and that area. It was chilly, but the skies were blue, but it got me thinking about a previous conference.

We were down in Florida; I believe it was the Marco Island area. And listen, these conferences are very fancy. I  count it a privilege to attend alongside my husband. It's a point of gratitude for me to be able to go and I accompany my husband on the trailing spouse for these events. It's also a very traditional, kind of male-dominated industry. So they do these spouse events and 99% of the people who sign up for them are women.  The options always have to do with lots of wine drinking, food tours, ladies who lunch, and fashion-oriented. 

But there's always one that's a little bit adventurous or maybe outside the norm. And I really think that trying new things, going outside our comfort zone can be really a growing experience. That was my theory when weeks before the actual conference, I chose my activity, and the activity I chose was kayaking. Now that doesn’t seem like a very big deal. It's a low-impact sport. We kayak on our little pond out back. It should be said that this is a suburban subdivision pond. I do not live on the French Broad River or anything like that. This is gentle kayaking with man-made fountains and gentle breezes.

I know how to kayak, at least I think I do, so I signed up. Fast forward several weeks, and I head out and get on the bus with the other spouses.  And I’m alone, meaning no one that I already knew signed up for this particular adventure.  No sooner do I board the bus than I feel the strap of my swimsuit under my shirt pop.  I started this adventure by asking a complete stranger to reattach the strap of my bathing suit!

When we get to our beachhead for launch, we get our gear on, we get in our kayaks and we headed out.  So far so good.   I’m in the kayak in the mangrove in our group of about 20 or 25 kayaks.  We have guides who are showing us where to go, and all of a sudden I notice the wind’s picking up.  Do you know how fast that can happen in Florida?  I mean I’ve been on a miniature golf course with my kids when one minute the sun was out and the next minute we were drenched in pouring rain with winds that felt like a hurricane. 

And I think the wind is like 20 knots or something all of a sudden. There are waves.  But we are secluded in a little cove and it’s really pretty. And then it comes time to head back to shore.  We round the corner of this cove towards the shore, and it’s full-on wind in my face.  I am paddling with everything I have.   Now, granted, I'm not terribly experienced.  I paddle on still suburban waters.  But I'm a sturdy farm girl and I’ve got some upper arm strength, but I was making zero progress.  I see my entire group pass me by.  They are all the way to shore.  At this point, I look around and I’m the only one left in sight on the pond.

Suddenly, the guide with the camera, the one who has taken all the pictures for us to buy later, comes up beside me.  And says “Ma’am…”  

Now let me start right there because anybody who starts to sentence to you with “ma'am” is implying some age but I was in no position to object. “Ma'am, I see you're having some trouble. Would you like me to tow you to shore?”   I must tell you, as I reported to Nancy when he said that something shifted in me.  Suddenly I felt some inner rebellion rise up within me!  “I do not need a tow. Yes, I’m sure. Thank you very much.”  I said it really nicely but inside of me did not feel nice. It felt this kind of determination. Self-talk saying “You can do this.” 

So with all my might, I begin to paddle.  Now here was God's provision for me, and I see it as a point of grace. The group behind us that had started like half an hour later, all of a sudden caught up with me. So I'm back in a group of 25 kayakers and we're just giving it all we got. And I get to share this other group of women. I pull my kayak up, and on shore,  I'm feeling this enormous sense of accomplishment. I didn't die there in the mangroves,  even though there was a minute I thought I would. 

And so I pile onto the bus with the other kayakers, heading back to the hotel to get ready for the party that evening.   The biggest drawback to all this was that night on the dance floor, I literally couldn't raise my arms over my head.  But what was gained by trying something new, something difficult, something unexpected, was a new sense of myself pushing beyond my perceived limitations.

I think there's something to it, looking at the unexpected, because, because of that, there's the reward of determination, of accomplishment of trying something and seeing what you're made of. It turned out that I was made of part strength, part noodle because my arms wouldn’t work very well for the next few days, but in the end, I was really, I was really proud of myself.

So this year, just to bring this around to this year when we were in Arizona, I found myself in the back of a Hummer on the way to the desert to identify cacti. And it was a really fun experience. And, there was a Hummer full of women of a similar age. And we enjoyed fellowship at the top of our lungs because  Hummers are loud, but at least I could move my arms the next day!

EPILOGUE: This year’s activity - a catamaran in Biscayne Bay! I’m telling you, these things are fancy!

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

I’m grateful for fancy conferences and being invited to travel along with my sweet husband. It gives me a chance to get to know some of his co-workers better, to learn about his industry, and to stay in super-fancy hotels in warm weather in the bleakest part of the Midwest winter.
And I’m thankful that, that one time in Florida, I had the courage to try something new.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

Do you prefer the familiar or trying something new?

Do you like to be in a group or on your own when experiencing life outside of your comfort zone?

What’s one scary thing you’ve tried and what did you learn from it?