Loving Yourself Enough to (Self)Care
Part of our vision for the Second Cup is to create a safe yet dynamic space for women north of sixty that supports a life marked by intentionality and purpose. For this unique season of life, we want to pursue ideas that encourage us to flourish and be our best selves. The self care conversation on the podcast (episode twenty) is the inspiration for this blog post.
Self care is an expansive topic and we will only scratch the surface. To start with, becoming our best selves will look different from person to person, and we affirm and love that variety. Lynn also noted that depending on the actual seasons of life, self care will look different from day to day or year to year. And I might add, maybe even from morning to afternoon! Ha!
As we began to dig in, Lynn wondered if self care as a description for certain behaviors or actions started with our generation. “I don’t remember my grandmother or mother talking about it, but I think I can look back and see how they did it.”
We both agreed that one of the reasons the elder women in our families didn’t talk about it was the emphasis on humility. Lynn added, “There was a train of thought around not having time for oneself because of the real need of taking care of other people.”
Making Deposits
Putting others’ needs before our personal needs comes with a cost, unless we actively manage the tension. We have needs that need to be met, and if they are not, there will be consequences. Ultimately, we can only give what we have.
To illustrate the point, Lynn used an example from the familiar safety instructions given on an airplane in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, “if you’re caring for others, please put your oxygen mask on first.”
We can’t take care of other people in a manner that is life giving and affirming if we’re not taking care of ourselves first. And while we agree that humility is a sought after virtue, false humility can be a trap. A self check on whether we are recognizing our limits and taking responsibility for our care is important.
Myth Busters
Recognizing we will only scratch the surface on this topic, Lynn agreed to play along with a game of myth busting for related truisms on the topic.
#1: Self care is selfish.
That’s a TOTAL myth because self-care is necessary to take care of others. Repeating: we can only give what we possess.
#2: Self care is time consuming.
Partial truth here because it depends on what you’re doing for self care. If you need a week at the spa, sure! But that time investment may be just what is needed. Does the descriptor “time consuming” have negative conotations for you? If so, we suggest digging a little deeper on your current approach to time management, making sure you are defaulting to a scarcity mindset. The next time you engage in a routine activity that you perceive to be time consuming, set the timer on your cell phone and determine exactly how much time is needed.
This basic exercise lifted the dread from one of my husband’s and mine least favorite chores: unloading the dishwasher. We traded this duty back and forth like a hot potato until we realized we only had to invest five minutes to get it done.
Sidebar: Related to time management, Lynn recommends the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin.
#3: Self care is expensive.
Here’s another half truth. An hour long massage might be, but a walk or call to a friend, not so much. “Expensive” requires definition for your unique budget. If you are using these descriptors, ask yourself if the terms are helping to inform your next steps or acting as barriers to potentially life giving measures.
#4: Self care is about mental health.
We often talk about an integrated lifestyle that addresses a variety of needs – mental and emotional needs, physical needs, social needs, spiritual needs, practical needs and intellectual needs. Unfortunately, mental health is often ignored due to the effort required to engage a practitioner and the related expense. There have been seasons in our lives that have required counselors and support from physicians, and if that might be you today, we wish you a dose of courage so that you can share your need with at least one other person. A key strategy here is to avoid isolation.
#5: Self care is meant to be fun to be successful.
Not always. Lynn reminds me, “I’m not sure getting in the pool at 6 am for lap swim is your idea of fun.” And she’s right. Exercising has its rewards but I’m not sure fun is top of the list. But if a sense of fun is a motivator for you, then find your fun!
My Personal Journey
My journey with self care hasn’t been linear. In fact, I started this journey in the deficit. I had to unlearn many truths about my worth and identity. Some of the practices I used to move to a better place were counseling, journaling, reflection, and as a person of Christian faith, prayer – talking with God, a lot.
And in the ongoing pursuit of consistent self care, I am using principles or guardrails to help keep me moving forward. Lynn is a master of framing my thoughts with a practical example, and suggested that these guardrails are akin to using bumpers in the bowling alley so that young kiddos could score. Yes! Let’s use systems, techniques, processes - whatever the thing - to help us score!
5 Guardrails
#1: Repeat to myself, “Perfection is not the goal.” Seek to be whole, not perfect.
#2: Extend grace. “If compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
#3: Be grateful. For something.
#4: Invest in the physical. Approach your care as an investment versus a task.
#5: Seek community.
Wrapping Up
I want to mention that I’m a subscriber to “Magnolia Journal,” and in their summer 2022 issue, they encouraged readers to arrange activities so that they flourish, which might seem like a step too far for those struggling with self care. But I think it’s a worthy point to raise in this conversation. Do you believe you are meant to flourish? What does flourish look like to you? Why not jot down that question alongside our myth busters and guardrails and see if you have changes and choices to make.
A POINT OF GRATITUDE
I’m grateful for the counselors in my journey., some for a brief time, others for an extended period. I seek trained professionals in other areas of my life, so why wouldn’t I do the same for my mental and emotional wellbeing.
Reminders everywhere!
When I was preparing notes for the original conversation on this topic, I discovered this tag in a new(er) t shirt that was gifted to me by our daughter. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it before, but smiled extra wide at the moment, recognizing the timing was perfect for what I was contemplating. Another remembrance (admonition?) that self care is not optional and it is my responsibility to pursue personal wellness.
Take care of yourself, okay?
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
On a scale of 1-10, 10 being optimum, what is your self care score?
Based on your score, what encourages your wellness? What are barriers?
Do you have a self care myth that needs busting?
