Being a Loving Influence
The second season of the Second Cup was planned using a lens of love. With headlines tending to promote angst and division, even stoking fires of fear, Lynn and I believe expressing love in the ordinary as well as in the big moments is one way to lift our spirits and offer much needed encouragement.
Early on in this conversation, we make it clear that the sort of loving influence we’re promoting is not the same as today’s social media influencers, though we do have a few favorites. Consider this a shout-out to Babs, “the internet mom/grandma you didn’t know you needed.” (Find her on Instagram @brunchwithbabs)
“We are not in the same boat. We are in the same storm of life. Some of us have yachts, some of us are using canoes, some of us are nearly drowning.”
We often don’t know who is inhabiting what boat or we make costly assumptions. Expressions of loving kindness can be a life changing experience for us as well as for the others we meet in the routine storms of daily life.
Influencers Aren’t New
A reminder: social media didn’t invent influencers, though with numerous platforms now available 24/7, their number and visibility are growing exponentially. I asked Lynn what we called them in our youth and we made a list that included spokesperson, experts or witnesses. Testimonials have been used to sell products and services since we can remember.
So, what do we really know about the dynamic of influence? For starters, it’s not neutral. This seems obvious, but what other factors are at play? To better equip myself, I spent time exploring a journal article published by Ohio State’s Fisher College of Business titled, “The Art of Influencing Others.” I shared with Lynn that their research identified 11 influence methods used by people in authority. You can find the article HERE.
Unfortunately, the most common methods were authority based and negative, such as pressure (persistent reminders, demands, threats). Sadly, we humans tend to respond to the more negative approaches. Conversely, the more positive or inspirational appeals were least common. Ugh!
Lynn and I both agreed that we want to flip the switch on the power dynamic of influence in our lives. With more awareness and a commitment to be intentional in our responses, we can be the loving influence that our families and communities need right now.
He gets it.
I have permission to tell a story about my husband, who walks 2-3 mornings a week to his favorite coffee spot that also serves up a bowl of grits (not my favorite). One day, an employee that frequently greets him at the counter, approached him while he was reading at a table. Without any introduction, he asked Tom, “I see you here a lot. What do you do?”
Tom put down his cup of coffee, set aside the newspaper, and gave the young man his attention. A productive conversation ensued.
When he found out that Tom is an attorney, he jokingly said, “Are you going to sue me?” Tom laughed, said no, and explained his legal focus, which does not involve suing fast food workers. Ever.
“I could never be a professional like you.”
“Why not?”
The young man went on to share some of his insecurities, “I’ve never been good at … “
Tom responded with words of encouragement, noting the employee’s customer service skills.
I think Tom used his influence in a loving manner because he made three key choices:
He welcomed the interruption.
He was an active listener.
He used his years of experience, confidence and authority to encourage another, expecting nothing in return.
For the introverts in our midst, I’m not suggesting that you extend yourself beyond one’s comfort and safety zones. I’m talking about being aware of opportunities to lovingly - as an introvert - use your influence.
Lynn offered additional examples of how this might play out in real life. For example, being aware of someone at the table or meeting that is not engaging, and then being willing to seek them out. “Something else I try to do in my day to day interactions is to point out when someone is good at their job by actually saying that, ‘‘you are really good at your job.’ I think it's an important step beyond the traditional thank you. The smiles I’ve received as a result are encouraging to me, too.”
A POINT OF GRATITUDE
I’m grateful for my husband, Tom, and his example in responding to an early morning interruption. In responding to others navigating the storm of life, his natural bent is to assume the best of someone and allow mental and emotion space to consider unknown circumstances. Regardless of the size of Tom’s boat, he’ll always have room for another.
Sharing kindness and exhibiting dignity and grace will contribute significantly to feeling beautiful for the rest of your life.
Vivian Diller
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
Do you consider yourself to have influence over others?
Are you aware of situations and styles that influence you, both positively and negatively?
How do you manage outside influences in your life?
