Loving Others Through Grief
In the second season of our podcast, we applied a lens of love to various topics that we believe contribute to living our lives, now north of sixty, with authenticity and purpose. After reading somewhere that “grief is proof of life,” we realized it was time to ask the question, “What is a loving response to someone experiencing loss and sorrow?” Lynn correctly observed, “As we age, we are accumulating losses at a greater rate.” Let’s prepare ourselves to respond with love.
The original Second Cup conversation began with three overarching statements about grief, using the familiar two truths-and-a lie game framework, I asked Lynn to respond to these statements.
Truth #1: Grief is an expansive topic that - if we’re smart - we’ll give time and effort to understand it more. “Couldn’t agree more.” Resource recommendations are included below.
Truth #2: Grief is different for everyone, and doesn’t present itself in a linear fashion, but instead can be like a roller coaster. “Agree. I’ve also heard it described as a wave with different sizes and frequency.”
Lie: It’s awkward and sad, so shouldn’t we focus on the positives? “Might be easier for the moment, but definitely not helpful.”
Recommended Resources
We both are big fans of Kate Bowler, New York Times best selling author of “No Cure for Being Human” and “Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved.” She is a profound truth-teller on how to engage with pain and suffering, as someone who faced an incurable case of cancer.
The Grieving Brain, the Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary-Frances O’Connor, Ph.D. She writes, “Grief is a heart-wrenching painful problem for the brain to solve, and grieving necessitates learning how to live in a world with the absence of someone you love deeply, who is ingrained in your understanding of the world.” Unbeknownst to each other, we picked up this book at our respective libraries and found her work captivating. “Until this book, I had read about grief and faith, and grief as a personal journey, but this writer explores grief from a scientific perspective,” shared Lynn.
This Too Shall Last, Finding Grace When Suffering Lingers by K.J. Ramsey. This author applies a Christian worldview to the material, offering what I believe to be wise words on suffering, whether for ourselves or walking with others. She writes, “Suffering is not a mark on the timeline of your life. It is not a season with a clear beginning and end, or a problem you can overcome. It is a place you will visit again and again, a place whose clouds threaten and frighten but whose landscape can bring you nearer to your true home.”
Just Show Up, The Dance of Walking Through Suffering Together by Kara Tippetts and Jill Lynn Buteyn. These best friends bring a message of hope while they share Kara’s journey with terminal cancer. Kara writes, “If there is one constant in our world, it’s pain and suffering. Just look around. … What this means, though, is that each and every day of our lives is filled with opportunities to just show up in someone’s life. We can set aside a little of ourselves, and step into someone else’s story.”
Personal Lessons Learned
I’ve experienced everything from the loss of a parent, to the loss of a beloved family dog, to the loss of a job. I’ve also traveled these valleys with others. Through many missteps, I’ve learned to apply four basic rules for loving others in their grief.
Silence is golden. The gift of physical presence is sufficient.
Grief is not a problem for me to solve. Lynn reminded me of this bit of advice, “Don’t do something. Stand there.”
Empathy is needed, not my stories. My experiences can wait.
Hold the questions. “What happened? When did you know? How can this happen? I don’t need the answers to love another.
As we shared in Truth #1, grief is an expansive topic. We are offering a thin slice of resources and lessons learned from our personal experiences and realize that each life is unique. Our hope is that this short message inspires a curiosity on the topic and inspires your next steps. The world, your family and friends, and your community need you and your love.
A POINT OF GRATITUDE
I’m grateful for God’s grace. For every lesson learned, there are countless missteps, yet the sun keeps rising!
Try Something New
Grab your favorite pen and a pad of paper. Go to a park or place previously unknown to you. Set an alarm on your phone for four minutes and then sit in silence. When the time is over, write down your observations according to your senses. What did you hear? See? Smell? Touch?
This simple exercise will help you nurture your observation skills and increase your comfort with silence.
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
In a personal time of grief, what type of support encourages you? What doesn’t?
Are you aware of your love language? How do you prefer to express love and care for another?
Is the concept of grief training or pursuing personal education on the topic new to you?
