Connecting to Community

For the past year or so, I’ve been volunteering at St. Margaret’s House in South Bend, Indiana. They're doing really good work, taking care of the women in our community, inviting them in for meals and clothing and other supplies they need.  My time there got me thinking about what an important step that's been for me in terms of transitions. I've been here in this community for a while, and to be honest, it was a tough transition.  I decided volunteering would be just another step in getting to know some people and connecting with my community. So I've been going there on Wednesdays or Thursdays. I work in the basement and I sort donations. I get to meet the guests and connect with some of the other volunteers and people who work there.  It’s not always easy. Sometimes it’s downright awkward.  But going there weekly grounds me to my community.  

When Nancy heard me talk about this, she recognized something: what has been a really hard season of growing new roots in this community is finally clicking.  There’s a definite connection.  A slow connection to a new community, that’s not really new anymore. 

Why St. Margaret’s House?  What do I look for in an organization where I want to give my time?  I like that they are really committed to their mission. They're so clear about welcoming people and I love that. North of sixty, when we go out and look for volunteer opportunities, we're at an age where our time is limited. We have a lot of things going on professionally and personally. And so it's important to find an organization that's really clear about the mission.  I also like that because they serve women in my community. It's connecting me in that way. I like that my services there are not random and it's not remote. As a result of the pandemic, lots of what we are doing or have been doing is remote or virtual. And so when I started there,  for me to mask up, go down into that basement, sort through the donations, it just helps me feel like a part of something.

People can be transactional about their volunteering rather than choosing a relational experience.  In the years I've lived here, I’ve been saying yes to all sorts of opportunities, some have clicked and some have not. Nancy asked me what it is that I’ve learned about myself when making connections that ignite and seem meaningful.

I love that question - Nancy asks the best questions - because yes, the first year we lived here, I said yes to everything. Oh my goodness. The stories I could tell you. I think this resonates because I realized what my limitations are. So I set a time frame. I put boundaries on it. I don't say yes to everything they ask volunteers to do, but I do what works for me and I also have reframed it. I think reframing is one of the great tools we have as women. I've reframed it as a connection to my community and not just the act of putting clothes on hangers.

And of course. Nancy being the BFF that she is loves that reframing. And she pointed to the nugget of wisdom there - take the time you need to get to the point of being able to reframe and draw the boundaries that work for you around the connection to the community.  Sometimes in transition, we want to hurry.  We are trying to get to that sense of being rooted again, a sense of being known and belonging. This story is meant to encourage you to let time be time.  Nothing is wasted in this process of exploring your connection to the community.  Every place I’ve gone, every place I’ve connected, all of the “yes” answers along the way, none of it’s been wasted.  I’ve learned from all of it.  

If you are looking for a quick transition to a new community, a new family, a new friend group, or a new job, sometimes that's just not possible. And we have to be able and willing to give ourselves the gift of time to make that transition, to make that integration into that arena, especially if it's something that's existed for a long time. And I think it's especially true for women our age. We're no longer going to sporting events for our children where we make natural connections. We are no longer involved in parent-teacher associations at our kids' schools. We may or may not be connected to places of worship or clubs and associations that we did when we were in our thirties, forties, or fifties. So I think it's really important to be patient with ourselves and to give ourselves time for that process to take place. We end up needing to be much more proactive at this stage of life north of 60.

So it's a paradigm shift. And to get our heads around that, to get our hearts around that, it could take several years.  I hesitate to say that because it might feel discouraging.  But everyone adapts at their own pace.  I didn't retreat. I may have slowed the number of engagements from time to time, taken a break from saying “yes,” but I never stopped looking and, and searching. Not to say there wasn’t an occasional Thursday afternoon when I curled up into a ball on the sofa and stopped temporarily. And we can give ourselves permission to do that!

POINTS OF GRATITUDE

I just want to be sure to mention my points of gratitude for this experience, because I do think gratitude really transforms our thinking. It transforms our experience. At Second Cup, we always talk about gratitude for this reason!

I’m grateful for the mission of this organization, how tied in they are.  And I’m also really grateful for the gift of time. And I think as we age, time becomes more and more precious and we're more and more conscious of how quickly it moves. And I'm just really grateful for the time I've had it to integrate into this community.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

How have you navigated a transition in your life, especially a post-middle-age move?

How do you choose to connect to the community?

For what do you find yourself grateful this week?

Now for a couple of book recommendations, both non-fiction this time:

Nancy:   The Good Funeral by Thomas Long and Thomas Lynch. 

Don’t be put off by the title.  Both men are brilliant writers and fascinating people.  They understand the power of words. Both writers are persuaded that the rituals and practices around death are a window into the soul of a culture. It’s very much a story about life and death and, treating both with the utmost respect and again, beautifully written from places of great meaning and expertise and much to think about. 

Lynn:  Say Nothing by Patrick Radden Keefe. 

A terrific storyteller, Keefe brings to life the gripping story of the Troubles in Northern Ireland during the 1970s, in particular through the story of one widowed mother of ten, and her tragic story, really brings the reality of this violent conflict home.